Five countries, one breathe

Maybe because I was born under the sun sign of Libra, I am always torn between the ancient wisdom and the modern science. I learned to read the Chinese BaZi, the Western zodiac, and Jyotish before I trained as a therapist. I have always hoped to catch a glimpse of the future — to understand myself through the unseen map I know, deep down, is out there. The same power that made the galaxies, the moon, and the single snowflake made us too. The air in me would not hold me in one place. It flew me through five countries before I turned thirty. I read every sign in my chart hoping, for once, to find the one that told me where to land.

This year has unlocked some of the ugliest sides of me. For the first time, I felt my body betraying me. I was no longer the youngest, the strongest, the fastest. My ego was hurt, and I had to relearn how to live in this body — to listen not just to my clients, but to my own. Be gentle to yourself, she says. But how could I be gentle, when fighting for myself was the only thing I knew how to do growing up? And then it all went silent.

Can you feel it now? The year of the Fire Horse. Like a wild horse running in the desert, it once felt like freedom — and somewhere, I don't know when, that feeling changed. The air feels hotter. My heart beats faster. The sparkle in my eyes has gone. How ironic, that a seasoned yoga teacher has to relearn how to breathe. Deep inhale. Long exhale. Something I now have to do to calm my body, even outside the classroom. I no longer chase the perfect posture, the longer headstand, the deeper twist. To inhale and feel safe in my body is all I need — and what first felt like failure has ignited something more ancient in me.

And here I am. There you are — still breathing. still here.

the place I crossed five countries to find was never a country.

it was this. one breath. taken slow, taken home.